The other day I was sitting with a group of people at an informal picnic. As I chatted with the man next to me, our attention was drawn to a woman a few tables away who was telling a story. Look how animated her face is! the man commented. And, indeed, her facial expressions reflected her total involvement in what she was describing. It was impossible not to be drawn in, too, and I smiled because it was enjoyable just to watch her.

I thought about my relationship with this particular woman. I dont know her well, but over the last week I had gotten to know her better because we were involved in the same volunteer work. In the past I had been put off at times by what I saw as an in your face style. She was often the center of activity and I had that feeling that I used to have in high school watching the popular kids. Perhaps I was feeling envious.

But Ive been out of high school for a long time, and realized that she doesnt have the characteristics of self-centered high school girls. She isnt cruel, or dismissive. She is comfortable being a leader and directing things, but she is also empathic and able to relate to people one-on-one, putting them at ease and helping them feel included.

I realized I was seeing authenticity in action, someone who is very true to who she is and who doesnt alter her behavior to suit others. In her case, she is extroverted and outgoing and draws people to her like a magnet.

Wouldnt we all like to be that authentic? Why are we afraid to let ourselves be seen like that? Heres what I observed about her.

Characteristics of an authentic person:

She expresses herself spontaneously, i.e. she doesnt unduly censor her thoughts and wait 5 minutes to say something (long after the opportunity has passed!)

She isnt afraid or hesitant to address people she doesnt know.

She is friendly and drawn to others.

She is curious about people and asks questions.

She looks people in the eye when she speaks to them.

She doesnt hold back; when she needs to say something, she says it.

She is present you get the sense that she is right there with you, not preoccupied or distracted.

She goes out of her way to help others.

If she has an inkling that she had gone too far, she checks in with others to verify that, and makes amends if necessary.

You might have other characteristics that you would put on this list. To be authentic, you dont have to be exactly like this person, i.e. you dont have to turn yourself into an extrovert or be the life of the party. But you do need to tune in, be true to yourself, and be willing to express yourself.

How do you do that? People in recovery often come from families with addictions, and as such we have modified our behaviors in particular ways. We are used to reining ourselves in, scanning the environment to see how were coming across, ready to tone ourselves down when necessary. We dont like people to be angry with us, or to not like us. Wed like to please everyone, if it were humanly possible.

The advice that a psychiatrist gave me, in a recovery group for ACAs, was to err on the side of being uncomfortable. In other words, my sense of what I could say and what I couldnt was so flawed that he encouraged me just to speak outand even with that I probably wouldnt be as outspoken as the normal person!

If we just start by stepping out more, taking a chance by saying something, tolerating the discomfort we might feel by being more visible, then over time we can learn to hone our new skills.

And the odd thing is, when we show who we truly are warts and all without hiding important parts of ourselves, we tend to attract other people to us. Authenticity has a way of engaging others, rather than being off-putting.