Why Can't I Talk to My Family?

(I am not a professional therapist or counselor.)

This is just a story about my family. Like many families mine had grown distant from each other for many reasons. Aging, boredom, apathy, some not uncommon family traumas and sometimes just because we didn't know how to get, or stay close to one another. Nobody ever showed us. Our parents came from a generation that didn't speak about their feelings and so they didn't. And though our generation speaks a lot more we still never learned to be intimate with those closest to us. And the distance just grows and grows . Till often the only time we remember how we feel is when that person is gone. I have seen countless adults grieve for not being able to say what they needed to say to loved ones when they were alive. The distance just grows. And so it was with my family. Time, distance, drugs infidelity, the almost divorce drew us apart except for the obligatory holiday.

The joyous holidays I remembered as a child were replaced by a more perfunctory exercise that all to quickly degenerated into nasty sibling rivalries and ugly marital sniping. I longed to feel the sense of anticipation and joy I felt growing up when I couldnt wait for Christmas. I longed for that special closeness I used to feel as a family. Was it my childish imagination? Christmas, my favorite holiday, had lost any true emotional significance. How could we get that back? I decided to try and create my own family ceremony. A ritual that would bring us back together again the way we were when I was a child.

But where to start? Like many families the only time we talked was either under stress or out of anger. At somebodys funeral, maybe a wedding or when one of us narrowly avoided an accident or serious illness. My father never told anyone he loved them. When pressed he might say: You know I do. The last time my parents said they loved each other may have been their wedding vows. There was always a lot of empty or abusive talking but not a lot of feelings expressed. So how do you bring a family like that together? Well why not just sit down at the table and ask each person to take a turn saying how they felt about each other person at the table. Yeah! Sounds simple? Well it is. Easy its not, but simple? Yes, it is quite simple.

I decided wed have this ceremony after we opened all our Christmas presents and I enrolled my 5 year-old nephew and 3 year-old niece to help me. The thinking being that if the kids were involved everybody might be more likely to go along. Everybody moaned when I announced we were going to have a little family (What do I call it? A chat? A talk? A gathering?) discussion! And that my 3-year-old niece Heather was going to start us off. Just tell anyone you want how you feel about them Heather.

She stood quietly and turned to her father, in that solemn way that only children have, and said in the purest little voice: I wish my Daddy would spend more time with me.

You could here the proverbial pin drop like an iron bar. The silence was deafening. My brother-in-law looked as if he had been struck by a 2x4. His eyes welled up with tears and he broke down. So did my mother. We were all stunned by this simple, sad and unexpected truth that came out of the mouth of this little child. My brother-in-law knew it was true and it crushed him. He literally sobbed. He just didnt think that his daughter knew. But she knew more than we did and had the blessed innocence to simply speak the truth, which is the magic of this ceremony. And the truths did flow from all of us along with the tears.

By the end of that first ceremony we were all crying. We were crying great tears of joy. My father, who rarely if ever had spoken of his feelings before, openly, if somewhat shyly, declared his love for my mother and how grateful he was for her support all these years. My sister who follows in my fathers closed mouth tradition declared her love for my brother-in-law in ways she never had. My poor little nephew Jason was so overwhelmed with emotion that he simply cried through the whole ceremony and did at each subsequent ceremony until he was 13. And when he finally did speak he had remarkable wisdom to share. He credits the Family RoundtableTM with enabling him to confront and deal with the emotions he had bottled up inside of him and helping him learn how to manage them.

As for me, I cried like a baby too. An outpouring of love, gratitude and a sense of security at being able to share this amazing and surprising event with my family. The amount of love that I felt surge forth from every one of us was wonderfully overwhelming. And though every year I think: I wont cry this time, inevitably I do. As deeply, richly and joyously as I did the very first time.

Those truths have changed my family. We all revealed so many truths about each other and ourselves. Things we thought we could never say. Things we didnt know. Things we carried around for years. And many of the things we carried around we realized didnt really matter because most importantly we realized how much we loved each other.

During the ceremony after the first person finishes speaking they would light a candle. Each person would light the next candle from the previous one sharing the flame. When we were finished someone would say: These flames represent our love for each other. And they would burn the rest of the day.

In the 16 years that have passed since we started this ceremony I have encouraged everyone I know to try it. Practically everyone without fail says: I could never do that with my family. And I always ask: Why? Why is everyone so afraid to speak openly and honestly with the very people who are supposed to be the closest to them? I realize that all families arent close and supportive and giving of unconditional love. Mine certainly wasnt and still isnt. But my experience is that there is so much love just beneath the surface of everyday life that can help a family grow in extraordinary and unexpected ways. I hope you will try it.

I believe there is nothing more important than family. It is the foundation of who we are and the bedrock of all societies and civilizations. Strong healthy loving families are our only hope to our children a positive future. It was worth me trying anything and everything to bring my family together. If you believe as I do then I hope you will try and make this ceremony a part of your familys traditions and pass it on to others. Adapt it; change it to suit your family. Make it your own.

Family RoundtableTM Thoughts

I'm not a professional but try and do everything within the context of love and caring. Keep that in your mind. This is not about attacking or settling old grudges, although that may happen, it is about letting everyone express their feelings with love and respect.

Pick a time in advance. Holidays are usually a good time because families are together. Our roundtable came about on Christmas but Hanukkah or Thanksgiving, birthday, or anniversary all can work. Even a simple family visit is an opportunity. Announce in advance that you want to get the family together for a little talk later. Keep it light but make sure youve got everyones attention and that they know its for real. You may want to enroll some family members you know will be supportive in advance. Enlist the children, niece or nephew in advance if possible as. It worked for me.

Just get em talking. If talking about feelings seems too big to start with maybe start off just talking about each persons goals or recent accomplishments, something safe. Just get people used to sitting down and talking to, and about each other. This may be all you try the first time. Point out that its great that we can all get together and just talk to each other like this. But if you feel comfortable go for the feelings.

Set it up. Tell them what to expect. Let your family know whats going to happen and be very positive about it. That will help them feel more relaxed. Tell them you read about this interesting idea for familys to try and see how much they really know about each other. Then explain: Id just like to have everyone take a turn saying how they feel about each other person at the table. Tell them no ones obligated but lets all try and share at least one thing.

Have the children start or if theyre too shy then you start to show how its done. You set the tone. Tell one of your family members how you feel about them. Why you value them. Something you want to thank them for. You can keep it simple and light but dont make a joke out of it. Be as open and honest as you can. And remember to come from a place of love.

Its OK to be nervous. You dont have to be perfect. This is about the feeling not the words. Just say what you feel about each person. Some people may be a little uncomfortable. Some may not want to participate. Thats OK. Dont be discouraged. Just let whoever wants to go ahead and say what they want. This is new to everyone and may take some time. Closeness and trust dont happen overnight. Even in familys that consider themselves close.

Results may vary. All families have different dynamics. So youre results may truly vary. You may meet anger and strong resistance. Old resentments die-hard and family grudges are among the most tenacious, but nothing can change for the better as long as they persist. Again be kind and remind the person that they need not participate, but ask them not to prevent others from doing so. Your family may reject the ceremony completely. Then try and share your feelings with those who may be sympathetic to how you feel. Start with smaller groups and build from there.

My family had experienced years of mistrust, anger and frustration due to the drug addiction of one of its members. But underneath all that trauma was a strong foundation that readily responded to the opportunity to heal and grow with immediate positive results. I mention this only to illustrate that this exercise can have miraculous results even under very difficult conditions.

If you choose to do this dont give up. This will take time. It took years for your family to get where it is. It will take time for it to change. Be sensitive but persistent. And try to do whatever you do with love.

Benefits of doing the Family RoundtableTM :

My brother-in-law devoted himself to spending more time with my niece and today they share an unbreakable bond.

Secrets were revealed, wounds were healed, fears were relieved, hopes were supported, faith was renewed and we all discovered a new level of love and caring.

Every year for the last 16 that love and understanding has grown exponentially.

My father regularly tells us he loves us and is far more open and eloquent with his emotions. He is open to many more spiritual concepts that he ever was before. His relationship with my mom is stronger and more loving and has survived 56 years now.

We are closer as a family than we have ever been. We experience more joyous holiday celebrations. More meaningful time spent together.

As a family we have all increased our self-awareness and personal insights of each other and ourselves. We continue to help each other grow.

My niece and nephew now at 22 and 18 respectively are more psychologically confident and emotionally secure and have vowed to carry on this ceremony with their children and have passed it on to their friends.

We still have spats occasionally. We still have strong disagreements. But they dont last very long and there are no grudges to speak of. We can talk about anything. And most times we find a way to end up laughing.

I am not a professional therapist or family counselor and can take no responsibility for your family's outcome. I personally have had very positive results with this method but your results may vary.